My analysis of the upcoming elections:
Based on years of historical training and several unwilling hours watching campaign ads, I have broken down the main points in the election so that Americans can more easily decide whom to vote for.
1. All candidates promise to improve education, provide for the elderly and give the middle class tax breaks and jobs. They also support police and fire departments, within reason.
2. All candidates believe that their opponents are being funded by Wall Street and the idle rich and will take away money and jobs from the elderly and middle class families.
3. Republicans are sure that the Health bill will mean that everyone gets substandard health care, instead of just the poor. They also believe that Democrats will ruin the country with profligate spending so that the Chinese will take us over.
4. Democrats believe that all Republicans are racist and elitist and have accounts in the Cayman Islands so they can make their get-away when the Chinese take us over because the conservatives have sent all our jobs overseas.
5. All ads are aimed at honest hard-working Americans in the middle class. Concern for the elderly is important because old people vote and we’ll all be old someday if we’re lucky.
6. No ads are aimed at rich people or corporations because both sides find it’s not a good idea to support them, but contributions are welcome.
7. No ads are aimed at poor people because they don’t vote or pay taxes and may not even be here legally so why bother?
My expert opinion, based on these informative sound bites, is that you can vote for whomever you like, it won’t make any differences. And start studying Chinese.